Tag Archives: Bi-Polar

Mental Health Break

Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to have a break from the world. To step back and breathe. I sat in the sunshine on the beach this past week and just took in what was around me. The hot sand and the water crashing, the little birds hopping around me. It was the first time in a long time my mind felt silent and at peace. I hadn’t had a real vacation in 3 years. I had been burning the candle at both ends and not taking care of myself. Sometimes you need to step back and be a little selfish and make sure that you are taken care of that your mind has a chance to be quiet and rest. Right now I’m sitting on my couch listening to the rain pour down and the wind whip the trees outside my windows. I’m taking a break from my day of work and customers and being sick and I’m just breathing. Quieting my thoughts. It will be there tomorrow so don’t worry about it right now. Work is still there, the dishes are still there but that’s ok. You need to take a few minutes to not dwell on all that and take a break and IT IS OK. REST!

The Bipolar Tree

Picture this, There is a big beautiful complex tree in the middle of an empty field. The tree base is “Bipolar” and each branch is a different type of Bipolar and each of those branches have different symptom branches attached to that and those have other ones attached to that. It makes this big, very full, very complex tree but it is still all the same tree. You may have rage but I may not I may have weepiness but you may not. I may stay on the depressed side and you might be a fast cycle and be more on the manic side. There are so many branches that you could be on and just because one person says “I have Bipolar” doesn’t mean they will have the same symptoms as someone else you know with Bipolar. Odds are they aren’t going to and comparing the two can be hurtful and can do a lot of damage. One thing I hate more than anything is when someone says “well I know so and so that has bipolar and they are just crazy” That is so hurtful and make me feel like I’m about 2 ins tall and I bet the person they are talking about isn’t crazy either. We’re part of the same tree just a different branch. We have a different view to the same diagnosis. No journey is ever the same. If it was we would have a cure instead of a treatment.

What is Bipolar?

I find myself asking this question a lot. Even though I have been diagnosed for almost 2 years I still don’t know much about my illness. I know what it’s like to live with it but not necessarily what it really is. So I looked it up. “Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.”
That sounds so easy. So cut and dry. But it isn’t black and white. On one side of the coin, I can’t sleep because I am so excited and motivated and I want to work on every project under the sun! I might not sleep for 2 or 3 days and besides being tired I’m ok with that because so much gets done and I feel so good.
Now flip that coin… I can’t get out of bed. I’ve slept 14 hours and I’m still exhausted. Everything hurts, even my hair and my eyes and I don’t want to speak or be spoken to. All I can do is manage to cry and if anyone asks if I’m ok I burst into tears. I just need to sleep. When it’s like this I don’t care if I ever wake up.
Now what about the in between? When the coin lands on the edge. These are the days I try to balance. I try not to rock to far one way or the other. Most of these days my brain feels like it’s in a fog and my anxiety tries to break through. These are the days my past comes knocking.
Today I’m kind of numb. I’m in a fog. I can’t really focus and trying to even find my words is a stretch. I feel like everything is a distraction and my brain just can’t keep up. This is going to be one of those days that people notice I’m off my game and I’ll have to make up reasons why I’m not 100%. You can’t just say “yeah, I’m having a bit of a rough day” because they usually want to help fix it. There really isn’t anyway to fix it. I just have to ride it out like a storm and wait for the next wave.

This is Me

I’m a daughter, a sister, a niece and a friend. I’m a designer and creative and a dreamer of dreams. But all that changed in the Spring of 2015. “I believe you have Bi-Polar” is what I was told. These words still ring in my ears. This ongoing depression and lack of sleep and all around craziness finally had a name… Bi-Polar…. Why did it have to be that? Why couldn’t it just be that my anxiety and depression was just in overdrive and I needed some R&R? Why did I have to have the one thing that people don’t understand and say “God she’s so Bi-Polar!” and put this stamp on you that you are crazy? I cried for days. My then Husband didn’t take it well either. “Are you sure? Can we get a second opinion?” like I had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. But it felt like I had been told about this with no way out. Like I had been damned. I knew nothing about how this journey was going to go or even start. I had no idea about the ups and downs that I would face almost daily or how little people understand about this mental illness. Or how little I knew about myself and my illness. This is my ongoing journey. This is me.